In it for the stickers… an emotional post

That’s right. Like a greedy child, I’m in this for the stickers. Let me explain. Last night, AGAIN, I did not feel like working out, but then I thought about my beautiful calendar with a sticker for every workout I complete, and how in 3 2.4 weeks, I will have earned myself a new purse (I’m not one of those people who rotates purses, or is particularly nice to them, so my 3-year-old Guess purse has pretty much had it) but I made myself get up and go. Since we’re house sitting, I had to go back to the apartment to check on Daisy (the rabbit) so I just worked out at home (it was a very half assed workout ugh). Let me tell you, she is NOT impressed that we’ve left her alone for a couple of days, growling at me when I give her fresh veggies, and she’s barely touched her hay or pellets. 😦 But I digress, I worked out at the apartment because I wanted a sticker, and I’ll be damned if I was going to stop myself from getting a new purse. I have updated my Goals and Rewards page. I changed my mandatory gym time to just workouts, because I feel like if I skip a weight training day, but walk 6km, with 3 on an incline and 3 on a decline, that should also count! I added rewards for 12, and 18 weeks of gym time. It’s hard coming up with rewards. It’s hard convincing myself I deserve a reward. Some of these things are things I need anyway. Like teacher pants. The inner thighs of my favourite corduroys that I bought 2 years ago, at  a store that has since closed, have worn through. Not only is there no longer velvety goodness down there, there are little holes starting at the seams. I think this week will be the last week for them 😦 Boo. They were my favourite (mostly because they slip on, and are stretchy). This brings my teacher-pants-that-fit-me total down to 2….. Maybe in the next while, I’ll be able to fit into a couple of the pairs of teacher pants currently lining the bottom of my closet. (ooooo. weekend someday project. Hang everything up in size order so I can just advance through the pile as I shrink??!! YES) Also, I’m planning on hosting a Jockey party in February, so hopefully people buy enough stuff that I can earn some free pants as a hostess!

I guess I need something silly like stickers to motivate me. I’ve been feeling pretty crappy. I’m positive that without writing down every morsel of food, I’ve ballooned up to the approximate weight of a small porpoise or a regular sized moose. I feel lost without the feeling of control, but it was getting ridiculous. EAT WHEN YOU’RE HUNGRY, without looking at what else you’ve eaten, and deciding if you’re worthy of some more food, which really, even if I wasn’t worthy, are some baby carrots or an apple, or some pomelo going to kill me? Frig, this mentality is hard to break out of. No wonder I just let myself get fat. Not getting obsessive is like stopping a moving train. FRIGGIN HARD. I feel panicky all the time. I packed my lunch for today and thought, oh god, if I finish all that food, I’m a fatty, then threw the food bag in my purse and refused to think about it. But really, I am a regular lunch time under eater when eating away from home, which probably isn’t helping my cause, as the most recent Nerd Fitness email article told me. *Side note* chia seed pudding is good after sitting one night. Not so good after two*

BEGINNING OF RANT – FEEL FREE TO SKIP THIS PART (I even indented the paragraph making it easier for you to skip!)

In other life stuff: Boyfriend has still not come to the gym once (which is a minor annoyance since he keeps saying he will), nor has he ventured out on his own. He’s stressed because his grandmother is going into a care home (she has dementia). On top of that, the union we belong to (I’m a casual at the hospital) might go on strike because the Health Region we belong to (not naming names, I’ve gotten in trouble for mentioning sillier things…. stupid) has been without a contract for 2 full years. They bargained a 2 year contract 4 years ago “In good faith” which to me means a minimum 2% raise every year, just to cover the increased cost of living. Well, this region is refusing to implement any raise for the past 2 years….. sooooooo the nice retroactive pay cheques most employees were looking forward to, won’t be coming. So employees have basically struggled through 2 years of less expendable income… “In good faith”. We are basically the weakest union ever, and the region knows it. I don’t really care, because striking means more shifts for me since I’m a casual, and it’s not my main source of income, however Boyfriend has worked there full time for 5 years. The first 2 of which were without a contract (noticing a pattern here) so striking for him means 0$ for rent, 0$ for groceries, and 0$ for his ridiculous truck payments. Add that all together, and I’m pretty sure I have one depressed man under my roof. He gets all introverted, and I feel the brunt of it. Selfish I know, but it’s my blog, and I’ll be selfish when I want to. Plus, in real life, I’m not selfish. I go about cooking for him, and now doing the chores he normally does, because I want him to feel better. But between you and me, it friggin sucks. I’m getting better at telling him what I need, like I need you to cuddle me for a little bit, because I feel sad when you just go to sleep facing the other way. I’m stressed too. I work for 3 different school divisions as a substitute teacher (because during my 1 year term as the music teacher, I was told there would be a job for me. And then, when it was over, I turned down a job far far away, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand was legitimately told “you’re too specialized for us to hire you as a classroom teacher” by a principal here, because I have an Education degree AND a Music degree, and apparently teaching 488 students, and doing all of their report cards is harder than say teaching 20 students at an elementary level. Seriously, I promise I know how to subtract and long divide), and work the occasional weekend and overnight shift at the hospital. I have crappy days too, where I want to just lie on the couch and not do anything, but I can’t, because without me, the house wouldn’t function. I’ve heard this only gets worse when there are children added into the equation. Which doesn’t make me want them any less by the way, I’m just mentally preparing myself lol.

END OF RANT

Anyway, tonight I will drive my 45 minutes home, kiss the boyfriend, put on my work clothes, and pack a protein shake for after my workout, go lift some weights, then go to the apartment, check on the grumpy ass bunny, and pick up mail, maybe play a little xbox, and head back to the house to hang out with the substantially less grumpy dog. Boyfriend has Kinsmen tonight, so I’ll have some alone time. I’m not going to lie, I really really really want to bring the Xbox from the apartment to the house, but we’ve brought sooooo much stuff already. His parents aren’t into healthy eating, and his sister kind of is, but not to the extent that I’m aiming for. Like vector cereal is great, but it’s still cereal. I’ve brought coconut oil, sweet potatoes, squashes, and a bag of almonds, because these things aren’t a staple in their house, and my stomach really doesn’t like cooking with margarine.

Plan for the rest of the week?

Thursday – teach, come home. Cook dinner, go to Trout Festival meeting (I’m the secretary of our local small town festival!)

Friday – Go to the gym in the morning! It opens at 8:15 but I’m aiming to be there by 9. Then come home, have a delightful brunch, shower and get ready for French from 1-4. Quick supper, then back to class from 6-8:30.

Saturday – Not quite sure…. I’d have to get up pretty early, hit the gym when it opens at 7:15 to be able to eat, shower, and be presentable by 8:30 am for my class….. plus that’s friggin early. Saturday would be a bonus workout this week, and would keep me from having 2 days off in a row…. so I have a dilemma. Boyfriend is going to his friends, step-dad’s cabin to help clear a trail to, and chop wood for said cabin. It’s in the middle of nowhere. You can only get there with some kind of vehicle when there is ice, and once the ice is all gone, you can boat there. No road access. While this doesn’t affect my plans entirely, I do have plans for Sunday (see below) and feel like I should workout on this day. French goes until 4:00… so it’s 7:15 or nothin.

Sunday – Girls night!!!! Having a few girls over for some wine and cheese. I will have wine, a few snacks, maybe a sampling of cheese. We picked a Sunday night so everyone could come. Some people just might not feel very good come Monday morning. I might stay at the apartment Sunday night, depending on when Boyfriend gets back into town.

I think I’m going to have to mentally plan my gym time in advance. Like the exact time, not just “I’m gonna go that day after work”. Wish me luck!

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