I’m starting with a quote from my Battle Log on the Nerd Fitness Academy, I started typing there first, soooooo I’m just going to copy and paste what I have already written.
This is going to be long, sorry. Usually I put this stuff on my blog, and I probably will, but this tab was open first 😛
So normally Thursday is my weekly weigh in. But this week I’ll be doing it Friday because we’re house sitting and I have Friday morning off. So it’ll be up-and-atter, roll over to the apartment, take my weight and waist measurement, then head to the gym for a morning workout session 😀 My Quest bars came in the mail last night, so I’ll probably have one of those on the way to work out. Sometimes I have a protein shake in a pinch (like less than 10 minutes to change and be out the door), but I find that when I have a bunch of liquid in my stomach before a workout, even too much water, I feel pretty nauseaus.
I’m nervous for what the scale and tape measure will say. The “yippee” feeling from last weeks weigh in only lasted about 2 days, and now I just feel fat and awful. Every time I use the washroom, I look down at my thighs and think “how did I let you get so big again?” I’m stuck in this loop of self depreciation, and I know I need to stop. Trying to keep my chin up today. It’s my last day of a 3 day stretch, subbing at a school I don’t particularly enjoy being in, so that’s a positive. And that means my French class starts tomorrow, which is exciting.
Part of the reason I’m so nervous for the scale/tape measure is because I haven’t been writing down what I’m eating. I was gettting all “Do I really NEED these baby carrots” and “omg I ate a whole serving of almonds, AND I had some almond crackers? No wonder I’m fat” (I make them from scratch, they’re a pretty good substitute for conventional crunchy snacks), and my favourite terrible thought “look at how much you’ve already eaten today. There’s no way you can possibly be hungry”. As a result, I decided to try one week without a food journal and see what happens, result wise.
I have lost weight before, with the help of an ED. There I said it. I’ve never said it beofore, mostly because there’s this stigma that fat girls dong have eating disorders. Usually I just say I had some issues with food, or I didn’t eat a lot. But it was straight up disordered thinking. My brain was so absorbed, even when I did lose 80 pounds, I was desparate to keep losing. Some days I’d think I looked alright, and some days I’d swear I still needed plus sized pants. So when I decided to cut that shit out, I just didn’t pay attention to what went into my mouth, and BOOM. 70 of the 80 pounds I’d lost just wandered back onto my body. Right now I’m fighting the demon that seems to thrive on me trying to be in control. It really wants out, saying things like “ya know, if you just cut your calories back, you know you would see a change, and fast. Just stop eating nuts, and skip the eggs. Just peas and carrots, you know how to do it” and I would lose weight, and it would be fast. But 500-800 calories is not enough to live on, and certainly not enough to work out on, and the moment I got tired of not eating food, the exact same thing would happen. The mental part of my journey has reared it’s ugly head. For the first time in my life, I regret putting my body through that shit 3 years ago. I have damaged my mind, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to heal myself. Who knows what kind of damage I’ve done to my metabolism. Thankfully I’ve never done a crazy crash diet or diet pills, just Ideal Protein (which worked! But when you can’t afford it anymore, it stops working, and you gain the weight back crazy fast!)
So here I am. Mentally staring at the scale. The thing I’m most afraid of, second to my own reflection in the mirror. But I have a plan. I will probably start logging my food again, regardless of what the scale says, because I think for the initial part of my attempts to change my eating habits, it is important to see how things affect my body, especially my acne, which seems to randomly flare up. However, if the scale/tape measure shows positive change, I might try to give ONE up for a week, and see what my mental state is like. It’s so so so so so hard not getting on the scale every morning, looking for a change.
Workout wise; my triceps and abs are a bit sore from yesterday. I haven’t had sore abs in a loooooong time! And I can’t remember the last time I worked out my triceps. Looking forward to tomorrow’s workout.